Previously, in my article which I wrote about my disability, I mentioned that I’m afraid I will stay like this forever. I explained long and short about my fears and concerns. Also, in the article after that I told about me getting a small accident – I fell down.
I still cannot believe the reality that the actual accident, is a turning point of everything I never thought of before.
Finally I fight all those mental blocks – the fear of seeing a doctor. Because at that time what I can feel is that, there’s so much pain and I cannot handle it anymore. I remember saying “I just hope this won’t end in an ugly surgery”. The moment doctor declare I have to undergo those shitty procedures, my parents might disown me.
In that very moment – that dark thought came inside my mind, that maybe it’s better if I died in my previous surgeries. So that my parents doesn’t have to worry about me anymore. I understand I’ve always been a burden for them. I know the cost they have to pay just for me. Sadly, I was never getting better.
So many times I accused my parents for not fighting for me. That it is their fault to never take this disability seriously. As time goes by, I’ve given up on this too. I know they’re struggling with life as well. So I choose to stop talking about this or nagging about this disease.
for 17 years I never knew what was the name of the disease I’m suffering.
Until this day happens,
I still remember that day. I was so reluctant of going to hospital. But this person, I don’t know what to call him (HAHA). Special close friend – I guess he can live with this – at least for now. Tried to convince me over and over how worried he was and it was okay just to check – at least to give some sort of reassurance.
I went to the general practitioner. Get examined, x-rays and all those data collecting thingy in medical terms. Waited for hours and then finally results came. I still remember what she told me
“I do believe there is nothing wrong with your knee, it’s just wounds and bruises and I will give some medications to this, some pain killers. But, in the other hand, the radiology doctor wrote there’s a suspect fracture in the soft tissue and I don’t know what that is. So I would advise you to see an orthopedic surgeon to know if this is serious or not, what do you think? We have some good experienced doctors here”
I was silent.
See this is why I have so much fear inside me. Because I know if I have to consult with that orthopedic surgeon, the story will not be the same. He will ask about my medical history and it will be a long ass day and I know I will forced to think and say about something that I have buried inside me for a long time. That certain topic that I have hardly tried to repress.
then she goes again,
“just for a second opinion. I know you really want to do it. It can’t be true that you want to stay like this forever right? you do want to know what can be done for you at least to make you function better physically”
I nod my head.
Then she play it safe, “okay I will just make an appointment with Doctor Iman for tomorrow, okay. If you think you don’t want it and it’s not necessary, you can just cancel it. Is this good enough for you?”
with a low voice I said yes.
Then on the way home I called my mom and tell everything that has happened. I still remember how furious she was. and actually she disagree with consulting to this new doctor. She didn’t even told my father. That was painful. But then my cousin and my auntie reassures me. and I called him too. He said it’s the perfect time to think about this all over again – and to have that second opinion.
I cannot sleep that night. Thinking of everything that has happened. All of that over those overthinking moment brought me back to the flashbacks of the past. I remember when I was sedated before the procedure – all of those horrifying moments.
That morning I make myself ready for everything. Sat down nicely in the waiting room and the nurse called me to check my blood pressure and temperature.
“90/60” she said. “you always have this low pressure?” I simply nod my head, and then she goes on again. “36 degrees, still normal. Doctor Iman will call you soon”
I was nervous.
with my wheelchair I came inside his practice room. He was smiling from eye to eye. He said “hello” with a very warm tone. He’s very good looking, groomed well – I suppose. Then he opened my x ray file. I jumped to the topic that I only wanna know about my knee. and he replied, “yes, everything is fine. no fracture, only bruise. nothing to worry about that. But there’s more to this, right? your x ray tells so many untold stories.”
See, I was right. Every damn doctor usually fascinated seeing my case. My cousin do all the story telling thing as if she knows everything – well she almost got everything covered. I can see how interested he was in listening to her. Until the moment he opened his mouth, “If that’s the case, I would suggest we take another xray. full xray from thigh to toes. and then when I got the file from radiology we will discuss more about this.”
I don’t have my say. Came down nicely, trying to hide my fear and anxiety. Sitting in my wheelchair with empty eyes. My body is here, I don’t know where my mind is. My cousin and auntie keeps on saying and asking about how I feel and how generous, super nice and kind that doctor was. The radiologist called me and asked me to lay down for examination.
I always have a thing for xrays. I mean I don’t like it. Makes me feel helpless. Everyday I swear to myself that one day I don’t have to do this anymore.
In some minutes I am back at Doctor Iman’s practice room again. He’s commenting about my plate on my thigh. “good, very nice” he said. And he zoomed in the tibia part. “So this is where the problem lies?” and I said yes. I told him, “yeah, previous doctors has tried to open up and close – doing surgeries on that part. because there’s no bone. bone graph was done but still nothing. that’s why I couldn’t walk . all my life using my gips and band aids. and the leg is also underdeveloped.”
and he continues, “see, here. this is a growing bone here. this shading near your tibia. I guess after all this years, they’re trying to connect to one another. it’s not that bad at all – at least not as bad as what you’ve told me.”
I startled. How could this happen?
I never knew this day would come. That actually a doctor said I have hope. and doctor iman said, “we can do physiotherapy for a year and see how it goes. just move your leg that’s fine. now just open that band aids and feel both legs. move it. try to give some power there. and if we are talking discussions now, there are two options. you can do surgery, to have same leg length, or we can do traditional way, that’s okay – I don’t have to put you under that procedure.”
That was a wow moment for me – I couldn’t speak. I cried so much. Afterall these years, finally I have hope. it’s not as bad as I think. I mean something actually worked out.
Ya Allah I am very grateful.
but still I guess I don’t have support from my family. I mean my parents. My Father was less concerned. said nothing or asked about it – finally I told him that I fell and he’s furious. I know he is. I tried to reach out to my mom. at least there’s some positive reaction from her. she said let’s see if we have the money for this. I guess that’s good enough for me. I can’t be selfish about this – I know. there are other things that needs to be paid. Afterall we’re not a rich family.
With a little bit of tears, courage and willingness,
YAY! I take off that band aids. I wear both shoes on both legs. I was self conscious, still. but I’m happy now. Altho I still cover all my surgery scars in stockings, but at least I progress. I want to change now.
If it’s not because of him, maybe I won’t have the courage to do this.
Thank you baby for always believing me and put up with my daily craziness and exaggeration. I do believe you’re sent by Allah for me – maybe, who knows. As you said it’s a prophecy for agastya to find her (his) roots, back to the land of Tamils. Thankyou for restoring my self confidence and self esteem. Most importantly, always present in times of need. I am so grateful for you.
Thank you to my cousin and auntie for giving me the chance, I cannot thankyou enough. And last but not least, tante sinta and tante lilly who tried to help me in their power.
someone very special to the heart told me that, “I always believe that you could walk someday“. well, “walking” is a big word. Never in my entire life I imagine to use both legs and able to walk like normal people.
“don’t use the band aids anymore – all of those covering things. It doesn’t protect anything. but I know it protects your heart and your mind. I understand it’s your last self-defense of being insecure. From now on, just be confident.”
– dr. Iman Aminata.