Blog

My Guardian Angel

I still remember – her scent, the way she talks, smiles.

I don’t know why my heart is hurting even though that person has left me for more than 3 years. I cannot help to cry every time she came into my mind. I’m still grieving. I’m still in denial. I wish she is still here – with me. Because I know she is the only one who will support me in anything I do.

Grandma,

I miss you.

It’s as if you’re still here with me. I don’t understand why God took away your life. There is so many things I want to tell you, and I need you here with me. Because I feel like losing myself in the midst of life problems and pressure. It’s painful to know that you’re gone.

Losing someone you love with all your heart is difficult and coping is a lot harder.

My Grandma is the most wonderful woman on earth.

She is beautiful, she’s fluent in Dutch and English. She also knows a bit of french and Japanese. She was born in ’27 (I think so). She was 87 when she passed away. She loves to cook – she made delicious cuisines and delicacies. No one has that talent in the family – not even close to what she did.

She loves people – she likes to smile at others. My grandma loves each and every grandchild she has. When we were little she used to sang a dutch lullaby called “slaap kentje slaap”. The memory of her is still very much alive inside of me. At times I still can sense her sitting on that sofa, reading newspaper and smiling at me – I hope I’m not crazy.

Her death devastated me.

I did not see that coming, although I could feel like she’s leaving us at that moment when she was admitted to the hospital. I cannot visit her grave – that makes me weak.

She’s the most wonderful human being I’ve ever met in my life. I have so much regrets. She cannot see me graduating from university. I did not use my time wisely with her. God knows how much I love her and how much she means to me and my life.

I know that she would be happy knowing that I applied for a master’s degree in the Netherlands. She loves that country – even though Indonesia has been a dutch colony for more than 100 years, she always told me that Amsterdam is an amazing city and she would want me to go there.

My parents doubted me.

So many people did – even my own self.

It’s our dream.

Dearest Grandma,

My beloved guardian angel. How are you? are you happy? did you meet grandfather up there? do you see me? can you feel me? I’ve been missing you. Things has never been the same since you left. I’m sorry about everything I’ve done wrong. I’m sorry I made you worry every time I got admitted to hospital.

I still remember, you’re the first person I saw when I opened my eyes in that recovery room. You patiently wait for me, you prayed for me. I still remember you told me to be strong no matter how painful those procedure was. You told me to be brave and taught me that I should never feel low or degraded just because I was born with disability.

I promise I will take you to Amsterdam – with you inside my heart.

I have loved you yesterday,  I love you today and I will always love you – Forever.

 

Advertisements

Bye Bye My Blue

Seven Surgeries.

I’ve been sedated more than one hundred times. They put me under anesthesia, so that I won’t feel any pain. I was helpless. It was the moment where I think It’s better to not feel anything. No pain, No happiness. It was as easy as closing your eyes and let your unconsciousness took over you.

I think it is true that – Death is easy and Living is hard.

When I was little I never understand why my mother cried when the doctors and nurses took me to the operating theater. I was thinking, surely I will wake up after a couple of hours. That everything will be fine and I will be able to walk and run again. After 4 hours, I experienced too much pain that I can’t describe what pain it was. The nurse forced me to point out where is the place where I experienced that pain the most, I shook my head. I was half awake, half of me was still under sedation. I can talk but I cannot open my eyes. Maybe this was the reason why my mom was crying earlier. All I can hear is that those paramedics calling for IV tubes, painkillers, antibiotic injections.

As I grew older, I understand there is no such a thing as “get well soon” for me. Maybe what people meant nowadays was to be “well mentally” or something. Still I appreciate them for their kind gesture. As time goes by, I thought that I will adapt to the pain, that someday it will just feel normal. But I was wrong. I feel more pain. more and more pain. In my last surgery I wish I had died. I wish that ends right there – for good.

I was 20, when it happened. I broke my thighbone and I can barely move for days. I have no one to talk to. No one to share the pain. No one. Only the walls of the hospital knew how much pain I felt, my tears, my screaming. It doesn’t end there – sadly. Physiotherapy session was more challenging. When I finally defeated those pain, I promised to myself – I will never be a weakling. Because I am not. The irony is that, as I was saying it in my head, my lips are screaming that I cannot do it anymore – that I wanted to stop and I told my therapist that I want to die rather than moving my body.

When you’re dying – half dying or thinking that you are dying, many things came to your mind. From flashbacks of your past, Freudian Theory, Jungian Archetype – even the stages of death and dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. The last thing that came to my mind was – gosh how it would be so helpful to have someone here for you – which I don’t have.

I am a hopeless romantic. Overdosed by the thoughts of romantic relationship. When I graduated high-school, my goal was only to finish all of my studies and hopefully find someone to get married. The moment I started my bachelor’s degree, things changed. Now I understand the importance of personal goal and achievements. I guess psychology has shaped me into what I am today. I won’t let anything stop me from achieving what I want. I guess gundam seed is right, the hardest battle is to keep on living and that your greatest enemy is your own self.

I’m 24 now, running 25, I did not get my “get well soon” or new pair of healthy legs. What I have now is my weary heart and my strong mind to keep on going. I will get married when I’m ready, even if it takes me to 35 years of age. I will leave my own mark in this world – as much as the surgery marks I have on my body. I want people to know my struggles, my fight so that people who experience the same disease as me – people with special needs and disabilities can read my story and be inspired.

I think God has give me so many bonuses for me to live my life again, even though I was crying out for my death. I never know what surprise He has for me. I have always keep the Faith in Him – it’s His life and breath that I borrow from Him to live each day. I have never been so thankful for Allah.

Lastly, to my ride or die partner, who is always been there for me. A man that taught me – love doesn’t have to hurt to feel good. I think this is the kind of love with less drama and pathology. The kind of love where you can be yourself. He is my wake up call that life doesn’t stop here. He is my reminder that I’ve been though hell in life – then so what? doesn’t mean that I’ve run out of my magic and awesomeness. I like you – a little too much – a little too “lebay”.

The tide is high – but I’m holding on, I’m gonna be your number one. I’m not that kind of girl who gives up just like that. 

If you want society to accept you, you have to accept yourself.

What are the things that you fear the most?  Killed by a psychopath? or simply getting bad grades on your test results?  Human being has many fears – as well as they have thousands of questions to be asked in order to understand the events that happens in their life.

One of the things I fear the most is when people asked me about my disability. Well, after my sessions of counseling, now I have the answer what to explain to people. I can easily cook up an easy story for people to understand and stop asking. The problem now is, how can I make up a story for my 4 year old niece?

I understand that someday she might realize that I am not the auntie she imagined. Firstly she realized that something wrong happen to my leg. She started to notice that I wear band-aids and I have post surgical wounds. Then she noticed I hopped to move from one place to another, and she imitated me.

Finally, that smart-ass innocent little girl asked me that one million dollar question. “Umi, why are you using this sticks?” She asked. I replied, “Because I hurt my leg”. And she just cannot help herself from being curious. She continues, “why?”

I had to pause right there.

I have to control my emotions and my answers. She was waiting for my answer with a sharp gaze in her eyes, looking back and forth from my crutches and my confused face. Then, I give her my answer, “I fell down, because I run and I hurt myself. That’s why you should always be careful.” She smiled at me, nods obediently.

Then all of those overthinking took over me for the whole night.

If it was that difficult and painful to explain to your own niece that there is something is wrong with you. Then, how if someday – say if I have my kids and someday they started to realize you’re disabled. How can you explain to them?

or worse

can you become a full time mother with this condition?

I’m afraid. I don’t want to be a disabled mother for my kids. I want to be everything for them. To be able to run, dance and have long walks at the beach without being worried about your own condition. It’s hard to be fragile like this. It’s hard to be dependent on someone your entire life. I try my best to be independent. To be able to do things on my own. But at some point, one moment at a time, you will need someone else to help you – when you’re on your worst days.

Maybe this is the game changer

The realization that you slowly have to accept yourself along with your condition. I believe this is one of the ways to heal yourself from all of that pathological feeling. See, I try with all the effort and strength I have left to rise up from this disability. I prove myself to the world that I am capable to achieve my dreams and goals.

But still, I don’t know why – for me, being able to walk remains my ultimate life goal. I wish to be like any normal woman.

To be able to wear any shoes I want, to run as fast as I can. Dance and walk as far as I can. 

 

 

Kesedihanku

Jangan kau tangisi kesedihanku

Karena aku sekarang ini meneteskan air mataku untukmu

Jangan kau kasihani aku

Karena hanya akan membuatku hancur

Akulah manusia rentan

Manusia dengan tulang rapuh

Manusia yang sedang mencari arti diri dan kehidupan

Manusia yang takut berhembus dihempas angin

Hilang

Tidak dicari

Tapi belum mau mati

Tuhanku,

Disanakah dirimu?

Bisakah kau mendengarku?

Apa sampai suaraku ini pun terlalu kecil untukmu?

Hanya ingin bisa bahagia pun aku sulit

Hanya ingin tersenyum pun aku sakit

Apakah aku akan selamanya sedih

Apakah aku akan selamanya mencoba sembuh

Apakah aku akan selamanya menjadi tidak utuh?

I can’t quit you.

I cannot change the way I feel about him.

He’s my beautiful disaster. He is that unexpected love that changed my life, my source of happiness – my strength. Each and everyday I am sure that I love him and I don’t want anyone else. My love grows stronger in his absence. At the same time I am afraid. I’m afraid of what may happen in the future, because I cannot imagine my life of not being with him.

Every now and then I still feel bad for him and for myself when I remembered that incident. I know no matter what effort I give, it is hard to move on from that unpleasant event. How much I hurt someone who has loved me with all this heart. I can understand it must be hard for him to learn and restart.

This diwali holiday may not be the best holiday, despite that, we really have a sweet time to spend together. Sometimes that short period makes you realize that you can’t take things for granted and you have to make the most of it – and I guess we did.

I almost cried everyday because I’m not ready to let him go back to his college. He must’ve thought that I’m too much – too much insecure, too much ambivalent – too much exaggeration. The problem here is that, he seems to have no issues in dealing with all of my shortcomings. That’s what makes him different – after a long time, I finally feel safe to give all of my heart and my fears to someone without worrying about anything.

I don’t know that will happen to us, as the future is uncertain. I suppose he is that person who will always have unfinished business with you – even when it seems like it’s over. I have no control over myself when it comes to him. At times it was very intense that I can’t even hold myself back. I keep on coming back to him.

I know that he better off with someone else, be happy with someone with the same taste and interest with him. Someone with less drama and insecurity. A woman who is at least doesn’t have any physical problems or problematic self. I don’t know what I have in myself that attracts him. Obviously I have no sex appeal or pretty face. When it comes to my “self”, I’m damaged. I’m a woman with walls instead of bridges, my soul has been filled with fake love and romances that it left me untouched and broken.

Those memories of our very first encounter, I can still remember it very clearly. That moment when I start to have infatuation towards him, I tried to fight it and just act normal. Now here we are – 2 years of friendanniversary? I feels like I unconsciously start to have some kind of commitment to “whatever” relationship we’re in. I spend most of my days and nights with him. Exchanging stories, arguments, fights – Also, love, care and appreciation. He is my wonderwall.

2:04 A.M

“Don’t cry” He said. He called my name gently – breathes. She felt like she doesn’t have any power to speak or even stop her tears from falling down. She said, “I will miss you, so bad”. 

“I know – I’m gonna miss you too. I’ll be here only” 

That simple sentence coming out from his mouth – was able to calm her down. She doesn’t want to be that clingy girl. She tried to let him go as if she is strong enough to get through this. But, He is her world. Her strength – The love of her life. Little that both of them know that – Maybe they were really falling in love – passionately – towards each other. 

A thought occupies me today. That a longing of my heart has remained unfulfilled
I have listened to my heart. And devoted my entire life to waiting for you
My heart, too, is restless. Who is it that I am waiting for?
It’s difficult to explain this connection. Why do I have this yearning for someone?
Who is it who has caused this turmoil in my heart?

Healing Process : Accepting Your Life Trauma.

Human being, a complex mixture of the past and present events that shaped us into the person what we have become now. Those events made you learn the hard and easy way. In that process of living we have been forced to struggle and tried to win each and every battle. Fighting your life battles could left you wounded and broken – as well as leaving you with some series of primary and secondary traumas. But at the same time, we are trying to heal ourselves in the aftermath.

Healing was defined in terms of developing a sense of personal wholeness that involves physical, mental, emotional, social and spiritual aspects of human experience (Egnew, 2005). Whereas psychological trauma is the unique individual experience of an event or enduring conditions, in which: (1). The individual’s ability to integrate his/her emotional experience is overwhelmed, or (2). The individual experiences (subjectively) a threat to life, bodily integrity, or sanity. (Pearlman & Saakvitne, 1995).

As a person with traumatic past, I finally realized that I need some professional help from a psychologist to assist me in dealing with the trauma itself. It was not an easy decision to opt for a session with a professional, but it was much needed and I felt like it’s the right time to make peace with all of those past events.

First session was all about history taking. I have to open my past, be honest about all of my experiences until me and my counselor are both able to understand the main cause of the trauma itself. The first session is very difficult, as a person who rarely open up and expressed the way I felt about anything and everything, I have to be strong and able to answer all questions from the counselor without hiding anything. same thing goes for the second session. The difference is, the counselor wanted me to make a timeline of my life and told her which  developmental stage was the hardest for me.

third, fourth and fifth meeting was the implementation stage. I have to remember all of those unpleasant memories, I have to make it alive for that session, and tell the complete story to my counselor when she was implementing the EMDR therapy itself.

EMDR is a therapy that is commonly used to heal traumas and other psychological disorders. EMDR is Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Saphiro (2014) based on his research on Twenty-four randomized controlled trials support the positive effects of EMDR therapy in the treatment of emotional trauma and other adverse life experiences relevant to clinical practice. Seven of 10 studies reported EMDR therapy to be more rapid and/or more effective than trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy. Twelve randomized studies of the eye movement component noted rapid decreases in negative emotions and/or vividness of disturbing images, with an additional 8 reporting a variety of other memory effects.

Lee, Taylor, & Drummond (2006) stated that EMDR therapy was initially posited to be more “gentle” and therefore amenable for this debilitated population because “distancing” rather than reliving has been found to be correlated with treatment effects, and the eye movements used in EMDR appear to immediately cause parasympathetic activation, resulting in physiologic calming. 

To be honest, the EMDR therapy really helps me a lot. It helps me to be honest to my true feelings, to open up about how I feel without being exaggeratedly emotional and to see one life phase as an event – that it is a part of our life that shaped us today. Well, I may not be 100% healed, but from the results of my follow-up sessions, I’ve made a good progress in the healing process. Those disturbing memories and feelings haunted me at times. Like a drug addict experiencing withdrawal symptoms, I practiced mindful breathing and grounding to help me focus that I am living in this present time.

I am not shy to tell people that I’ve been struggling with a psychological trauma. That is me and what happened to me. What matters is, I have people I could trust and people who I can call for help – also a decision to seek professional help. If you are suffering any kinds of psychological trauma, mental health problems even mental disorders – SPEAK UP and NEVER be ashamed of it. Mental health is as important as physical health, so why should we be ashamed of the world because of it?

I’m a psychology undergraduate and even I need help with my traumas. It’s okay to be not okay. For everyone reading this page, I love you, remember to always be there for somebody who is important to you – it helps. Always remember that you are not alone. Psychological first aids are now very accessible – any where you live!

If the mainstream media doesn’t wanna talk about  mental health, anxiety, suicide, depression or worse – schizophrenia, we will fight and I will fight alongside you. 

Reference:
Egnew, T.R. (2005). The Meaning Of Healing: Transcending Suffering.  Ann Fam Med. 2005 May; 3(3): 255–262.
Lee CW, Taylor G, Drummond PD. The active ingredient in EMDR: is it traditional exposure or dual focus of attention? Clin Psychol Psychother. 2006 Mar-Apr;13(2):97–107.
Pearlman, Laurie Anne, and Karen W. Saakvitne. Trauma and the Therapist. New York: Norton, 1995.
Saphiro, F. (2014).  The Role of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy in Medicine: Addressing the Psychological and Physical Symptoms Stemming from Adverse Life Experience.  Perm J, 18(1): 71–77.

Nobody But You

September 2nd 2017,

She felt a glimpse of enjoyment in every moment of time she spent with him. Although she didn’t see him, she could feel his passion, his excitement, his inner darkness and his true self. It was 4 am in the morning, she’s lying down calmly on her bed – feeling so much attachment with the person talking miles away from her. In that very moment she knew she was screwed. The way she laughed at his jokes and the way he stole all of her attention, that was the moment when she was torn apart between her dreams and reality.

love happens at an unexpected moment of time. Not even two conscious and sober human being could hold it back. It was a very weird way for two lovers of lost dimension to really connect and communicate. She was blushing – every second, especially when he said he loves her. She felt she was seventeen, young and always ready to have that wild, young and free romance. She felt like it was the right moment to love again – fighting all the fears and doubts that traumatized her – from her previous encounters.

At the same time, there were rough nights they have to go through. In those nights she just can’t let her tears stop falling, uniquely, that makes her even more positive about her feelings, thoughts, commitment and her intentions. Although there were cases where she feel bad about the attachments and the relationship. She was so undeserving of him, also she knew she can’t live without his presence. she understand it is hard for him to accept love with conditions, not that it’s impossible, but the reality is – he loved her when she was broken and falling into pieces.

They’re miles away,

longing for  each other’s touch

For her, she doesn’t know what does it feels like when they skin meet one another – or the way he cannot resist himself to surrender all of his exposure – his body and his mind as well as his personality. The strange thing is that, it’s as if she knew it for a long time. He is her home, her comfort zone – her sunshine.

She loves him more than anything, meanwhile, she is also afraid. She’s afraid of the pain she may cause in the future, because from where they left off, their love was kind of chaotic – she has unfinished business with her past and she knows that he needs sometime to process that.

Time – maybe that is all what they need to find each other in love again.

Space  – at times in need, makes people understand how much they need one another.

Love is complicated, maybe it was never enough, and yet we are always ready to risk everything in the name of love. And when something falls apart, it feels like two people going on a war, with their minds and body. I guess what matters now is showing how much he means to me, to make him understand that his love is one of the factors that keeps me going. I’m gonna try till both of my heart and lungs are weary. I will try to make myself ready to do things that could make him happy. I may lose in the end, I may be defeated by fate and destiny. All I can say is that – at least I tried, at least I did not give up on someone I love – because I do it so many times and I’m tired of it.

In this very moment, I know what I want. I only want him – all for myself. Nothing matters anymore – He is entirely mine. In the past, he may loved someone else, and also, maybe, in the future, he may choose someone else to be with him. As for me, the present day is the most important thing. I know that he loves me today and I don’t have to worry about anything. I am grateful for his love, the way he cares for me and until the day we meet, I will enjoy every second that we have, finding comfort in each other’s company.

Endlessly reminiscing about you, I fall asleep next to the sky. I wonder where these paths disappear. As I stand here waiting for you. The fragrant breeze reminds me of you. Stars meet the sky as your heart meets mine. The world has never heard a tale such as ours. Can someone show us some mercy and kindness?

The wish was that the world should see. That there are no two such crazy lovers as you and me. We were hiding in the dark night, We were trying to find a lost dawn, It was as if we had been sleepless since centuries. We were concealing our love for each other

Aku Merindukanmu.

Mungkin post kali ini bakalan jadi postingan pertama yang dimana saya – sebagai penulis akan menuangkannya dalam bahasa indonesia. Sesekali mungkin boleh sedikit melupakan dunia internasional (hehe). Sebenernya sih punya hidden agenda – biar yang baca mau ngontak dan cari topik (eh salah – kan udah putus haha). Tapi, ya sudahlah, biarkan sang pujangga sejenak meluapkan rasa rindunya pada seseorang.

Kalau saya tanya pada audiens yang membaca tulisan saya ini, kira-kira apa yang akan kalian jawab saat saya bertanya, “Apasih rasanya merindukan seseorang yang kalian sendiri – belum pernah saling bertemu?”

Mungkin bingung ya, menjawabnya. Nah, itu pula yang terjadi dengan saya.

Antara malu nggak malu, sih mengakui bahwa saya sendiri terjebak dalam cinta dan hubungan yang bisa dibilang tidak lumrah, tapi, he is one of the best person I know – dan saya juga tidak mampu untuk menolak atau melewatkannya. Saya rasa terkadang memang cinta itu di luar logika.

Bagiku, merindukan dia itu seperti…

Menunggu hangatnya matahari di kala musim dingin yang tak berujung. 

Ku merasa dingin, merasa lemah tanpanya, dan hanya disaat ia ada aku mampu lagi untuk melanjutkan hariku.

Di sisi lain aku merasa tidak enak juga jika dia harus membagi waktunya antara aktivitas nya yang amat sangat padat dan diriku. Aku sangat berharap bisa berperan seakan-akan aku tidak apa-apa jika ia tiada di sisiku. Tapi, aku tidak bisa menyembunyikan perasaanku betapa aku sangat mencintainya – betapa aku membutuhkannya dan selalu menginginkan dirinya ada untukku – bersama ku.

Di setiap doa aku, aku berhadap pada Tuhan bahwa aku punya kesempatan dengannya, bahwa suatu hari aku ditakdirkan untuk dapat bertemu dengannya. Melihat wajahnya, menyentuh jemarinya, mendengar setiap detak jantungnya. Aku sangat menyukai matanya. Aku sangat bisa membayangkan bagaimana matanya berbinar saat ia bercerita mengenai ruang angkasa ataupun politik yang memiliki hubungan dengan berbagai partai komunis dan bagaimana komunisme serta aiteisme membentuk pribadinya sekarang. Aku senang sekali saat ia mulai bercerita mengenai kota tempat tinggalnya yang merupakan saksi bisu sejarah dari kerajaan-kerajaan Tamil yang megah dan berjaya pada eranya.

Bagiku, ia sangat berbeda dari lelaki yang pernah aku kenal sebelumnya. Semuanya memang selalu berbeda dengannya. I feel different. It’s always different with you and I like it that way.

Baru saja aku mendapatkan telpon darinya. Walau kami hanya berbicara selama 20 menit karena rupanya ia ada kelas yang harus dihadiri. Ku merasa sangat senang mendengar suaranya. Perasaan bahagia yang aku tidak pernah bisa deskripsikan. Pada  saat yang sama hal ini selalu membuatku bertanya lagi dan merasa malu pada diriku sendiri. Bagaimana bisa aku menyakitinya? Bagaimana bisa ia masih mencoba untuk menerima dan memaafkanku setelah tragedi itu? tidak sekalipun ia mencari-cari celah kecil untuk menyindirku atas hal tersebut. Apakah benar ia juga sangat mencintaiku? Diriku yang tidak ada apa-apanya ini?

Aku sangat berharap aku bisa lambat laun merubah perilaku tersebut dan menjadi pribadi yang jauh lebih baik. Pribadi yang tidak lagi hancur dan selalu bermasalah dengan keadaan serta masa lalunya. Pribadi yang sadar bahwa I am okay. I’m okay and I am unique in my own way. Sehingga, aku tidak perlu deklarasi dari orang lain yang selalu membuatku feel better.

Sampai sekarang aku masih cinta. Ku masih menginginkan dirinya. Aku masih ingin memperjuangkan yang kita punya. Aku tidak bisa jauh dan aku tidak siap untuk meninggalkan dirinya.

Sayang, aku merindukanmu setiap detik dalam hidupku.

Pegang tangaku, bersama jatuh cinta. Kali kedua pada yang sama. Sama Indahnya.

“When things are less chaotic, we will find ourselves in love again”

No matter how much you love each other, when things are just too much to handle, you reached your breaking points and separation is the only choice you have – the pain is just too much, and you know you can’t handle it.

In the other side of the story this separation was caused by me. I triggered this, and no matter how much I beg for him to come back, it doesn’t work that way.

Love only is not enough to make a long term relationship work out. Now that his trust is broken I have to learn living without him. I never thought this will ever happen to both of us.

I know I messed up. At the same time I still hope that he want to forgive me. He is the only one I love. It will be very hard to move on and start again. I have found my person and I only want him. I just don’t understand myself how can I do this to the person that I really love.

how come this insanity happened.

I cannot stop blaming myself for what happened. Hurting the person I love the most in the whole world is the last thing that I would’ve done. I was completely out of my mind. I’m sorry.

sadly this time, no matter how marry sorry I asked, it won’t work – or bring back the trust that has been broken. I hurt him. I lose him. I broke the one of the crucial thing he guards so much.

People do make mistakes.

Is this one of the mistakes that could be forgiven?  We never know.

Another thing that I could not understand is that, how come he loves me this much. Even after we broke up we still talk like how we used to. Just I guess right now we have to understand that barrier between us and there are important things that needs to be solved.

I never knew that among 1 billion people in this world, there’s this one lovable man, somewhere miles away, could love me with all my flaws and shortcomings. I always told him that he deserve a better person than me. Still I find him choosing to stay with me, be with me day and night and worry about me when I’m sick.

I don’t want to lose him ever.

Since this issue emerged, I decided to seek help from a professional. This issue made me realize that there is something wrong inside me, some kind of damage and past trauma that’s never been solved – accumulated and resulted in an unpleasant behavior. I always thought I could sort this out ever since I studied psychology – but what I did was I tried to erase it and never really make peace with my own self.

By the time of the first session of counselling – I thought it will be just a simple counselling session that might end in 4 or 5 sessions. My psychologist told me that I have to undergo psychotherapy treatment to “heal” myself.  The irony here is that – I was studying about all this things for 4 years and turns out the client is me – myself.

I really hope the psychotherapy could really help me to heal, move on and eventually to accept myself as a whole. He told me he could wait until the sessions are done. Knowing this I really, really feel bad and disgusted for myself.

I cannot believe I did this to him.

At the same time I also told him that I understand no one could wait forever. So, even if someday he realizes that he might love someone else, and that he choose to end this once and for all, at least, I hope,  I could grow and improve more as a person and someday could establish better interpersonal relationships.

No matter how he compares himself to one of my previous relationships, I never love anyone the way I love him. He really – really mean so much to me. Even if the story ends without us in the end. I know I will never forget you and I guess I will love him for a long time.

I’m gonna miss the sound of his sleep, his snore, his laugh. The way he say my name and my middle name. All those tamil lessons that I know I messed up. He is sweet in his own way. If I could do it over, if I could rewind and turn back the time, I’ll do it all over again. I will use the time I have to make us fall in love again.

We both know our own limitations, that’s why we’re strong – now that we, spent sometime apart, leading each other out of the dark, ’cause we both know.

We Both Know – Colbie Caillat.

Acceptance or giving up.

As long as I live, I tried to accept everything that happens to me. Whether it is bad things or good things. For so many years I’ve been living with this disability, disorder, rare condition – you name it, I tried to be okay with this situation that has happened to me. I don’t know if this is self acceptance or giving up, eventually I adjust to this abnormal life. The struggle is hard, yet I manage to do one two things by myself.

I thought I have moved on, but then that one moment in time where it seems that hope is there, dissonance and confusion happens. I’m afraid to hope, I’m afraid to be optimist or positive – even being happy. Because I know it’s temporary and tomorrow everything is gone. I don’t know how to save myself from this pathological self. I’ve drowned in my thoughts and overthinking. My mind filled with so many things, yet my heart is empty. At this rate I’m afraid I cannot save myself.

Ever since my doctor told me about those surgery procedures, “illizarov limb lengthening” and the name of my disorder “congenital pseudoarthrosis of the Tibia (CPT)” I’ve been searching for facts and research regarding these things, the results are vary and there is no definite outcome. One thing that struck me the most is that, most of the research journals stated that they’ve been treating the patients from early ages – childhood. In every abstract of every research journals also mentioned that “CPT remain as the most challenging pediatric orthopedic case (Paley, 2012)”.

Now here I am, at the age of 23 I just came to know about my disorder name after living for 17++ years of disability. I cannot find any answer to my questions. I don’t even remember when I was little do I have those symptoms like what’s stated on that research papers. The symptoms are kind of similar, but I cannot trace down my own medical record and it’s frustrating and stressful.

I want to get better, for the love of God more than anyone else I want to be normal. Feel normal, walk normally, for freaking once in my life I want to be okay. I just don’t know what to do now. I’m so thankful that for once my mother has shown positive attitude for this opening up to doctors and finding second opinions. Yet I also understand the possibility that someday she could withdraw again because of this financial problems and everything. I understand that she experienced the same trauma as me. I understand it is hard for her, for my father and my sister.

At the same time I need honesty, so that I can decide, whether to accept this situation that I have to be okay with this condition or I can be optimistic about it. I realize the gap that happens to me right now. I should have treated long back. But who would even thought I had this disorder. I’m afraid everything is late now and I left with no chance of getting better.

So many decisions I have to decide. Time cannot wait, life keeps on going day by day and I’m left behind. I want to pursue higher studies, I want to do this procedure, I want to have  a stable job – maybe build a family?

I don’t know which should come first.

I don’t know if this procedure could be successful in my case. I really wish I could have the chance to go abroad and understand the prognosis and prevalence of this disease.

is this self acceptance?

or did I just giving up to the situation?