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Healing Process : Accepting Your Life Trauma.

Human being, a complex mixture of the past and present events that shaped us into the person what we have become now. Those events made you learn the hard and easy way. In that process of living we have been forced to struggle and tried to win each and every battle. Fighting your life battles could left you wounded and broken – as well as leaving you with some series of primary and secondary traumas. But at the same time, we are trying to heal ourselves in the aftermath.

Healing was defined in terms of developing a sense of personal wholeness that involves physical, mental, emotional, social and spiritual aspects of human experience (Egnew, 2005). Whereas psychological trauma is the unique individual experience of an event or enduring conditions, in which: (1). The individual’s ability to integrate his/her emotional experience is overwhelmed, or (2). The individual experiences (subjectively) a threat to life, bodily integrity, or sanity. (Pearlman & Saakvitne, 1995).

As a person with traumatic past, I finally realized that I need some professional help from a psychologist to assist me in dealing with the trauma itself. It was not an easy decision to opt for a session with a professional, but it was much needed and I felt like it’s the right time to make peace with all of those past events.

First session was all about history taking. I have to open my past, be honest about all of my experiences until me and my counselor are both able to understand the main cause of the trauma itself. The first session is very difficult, as a person who rarely open up and expressed the way I felt about anything and everything, I have to be strong and able to answer all questions from the counselor without hiding anything. same thing goes for the second session. The difference is, the counselor wanted me to make a timeline of my life and told her which  developmental stage was the hardest for me.

third, fourth and fifth meeting was the implementation stage. I have to remember all of those unpleasant memories, I have to make it alive for that session, and tell the complete story to my counselor when she was implementing the EMDR therapy itself.

EMDR is a therapy that is commonly used to heal traumas and other psychological disorders. EMDR is Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Saphiro (2014) based on his research on Twenty-four randomized controlled trials support the positive effects of EMDR therapy in the treatment of emotional trauma and other adverse life experiences relevant to clinical practice. Seven of 10 studies reported EMDR therapy to be more rapid and/or more effective than trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy. Twelve randomized studies of the eye movement component noted rapid decreases in negative emotions and/or vividness of disturbing images, with an additional 8 reporting a variety of other memory effects.

Lee, Taylor, & Drummond (2006) stated that EMDR therapy was initially posited to be more “gentle” and therefore amenable for this debilitated population because “distancing” rather than reliving has been found to be correlated with treatment effects, and the eye movements used in EMDR appear to immediately cause parasympathetic activation, resulting in physiologic calming. 

To be honest, the EMDR therapy really helps me a lot. It helps me to be honest to my true feelings, to open up about how I feel without being exaggeratedly emotional and to see one life phase as an event – that it is a part of our life that shaped us today. Well, I may not be 100% healed, but from the results of my follow-up sessions, I’ve made a good progress in the healing process. Those disturbing memories and feelings haunted me at times. Like a drug addict experiencing withdrawal symptoms, I practiced mindful breathing and grounding to help me focus that I am living in this present time.

I am not shy to tell people that I’ve been struggling with a psychological trauma. That is me and what happened to me. What matters is, I have people I could trust and people who I can call for help – also a decision to seek professional help. If you are suffering any kinds of psychological trauma, mental health problems even mental disorders – SPEAK UP and NEVER be ashamed of it. Mental health is as important as physical health, so why should we be ashamed of the world because of it?

I’m a psychology undergraduate and even I need help with my traumas. It’s okay to be not okay. For everyone reading this page, I love you, remember to always be there for somebody who is important to you – it helps. Always remember that you are not alone. Psychological first aids are now very accessible – any where you live!

If the mainstream media doesn’t wanna talk about  mental health, anxiety, suicide, depression or worse – schizophrenia, we will fight and I will fight alongside you. 

Reference:
Egnew, T.R. (2005). The Meaning Of Healing: Transcending Suffering.  Ann Fam Med. 2005 May; 3(3): 255–262.
Lee CW, Taylor G, Drummond PD. The active ingredient in EMDR: is it traditional exposure or dual focus of attention? Clin Psychol Psychother. 2006 Mar-Apr;13(2):97–107.
Pearlman, Laurie Anne, and Karen W. Saakvitne. Trauma and the Therapist. New York: Norton, 1995.
Saphiro, F. (2014).  The Role of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy in Medicine: Addressing the Psychological and Physical Symptoms Stemming from Adverse Life Experience.  Perm J, 18(1): 71–77.
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Nobody But You

September 2nd 2017,

She felt a glimpse of enjoyment in every moment of time she spent with him. Although she didn’t see him, she could feel his passion, his excitement, his inner darkness and his true self. It was 4 am in the morning, she’s lying down calmly on her bed – feeling so much attachment with the person talking miles away from her. In that very moment she knew she was screwed. The way she laughed at his jokes and the way he stole all of her attention, that was the moment when she was torn apart between her dreams and reality.

love happens at an unexpected moment of time. Not even two conscious and sober human being could hold it back. It was a very weird way for two lovers of lost dimension to really connect and communicate. She was blushing – every second, especially when he said he loves her. She felt she was seventeen, young and always ready to have that wild, young and free romance. She felt like it was the right moment to love again – fighting all the fears and doubts that traumatized her – from her previous encounters.

At the same time, there were rough nights they have to go through. In those nights she just can’t let her tears stop falling, uniquely, that makes her even more positive about her feelings, thoughts, commitment and her intentions. Although there were cases where she feel bad about the attachments and the relationship. She was so undeserving of him, also she knew she can’t live without his presence. she understand it is hard for him to accept love with conditions, not that it’s impossible, but the reality is – he loved her when she was broken and falling into pieces.

They’re miles away,

longing for  each other’s touch

For her, she doesn’t know what does it feels like when they skin meet one another – or the way he cannot resist himself to surrender all of his exposure – his body and his mind as well as his personality. The strange thing is that, it’s as if she knew it for a long time. He is her home, her comfort zone – her sunshine.

She loves him more than anything, meanwhile, she is also afraid. She’s afraid of the pain she may cause in the future, because from where they left off, their love was kind of chaotic – she has unfinished business with her past and she knows that he needs sometime to process that.

Time – maybe that is all what they need to find each other in love again.

Space  – at times in need, makes people understand how much they need one another.

Love is complicated, maybe it was never enough, and yet we are always ready to risk everything in the name of love. And when something falls apart, it feels like two people going on a war, with their minds and body. I guess what matters now is showing how much he means to me, to make him understand that his love is one of the factors that keeps me going. I’m gonna try till both of my heart and lungs are weary. I will try to make myself ready to do things that could make him happy. I may lose in the end, I may be defeated by fate and destiny. All I can say is that – at least I tried, at least I did not give up on someone I love – because I do it so many times and I’m tired of it.

In this very moment, I know what I want. I only want him – all for myself. Nothing matters anymore – He is entirely mine. In the past, he may loved someone else, and also, maybe, in the future, he may choose someone else to be with him. As for me, the present day is the most important thing. I know that he loves me today and I don’t have to worry about anything. I am grateful for his love, the way he cares for me and until the day we meet, I will enjoy every second that we have, finding comfort in each other’s company.

Endlessly reminiscing about you, I fall asleep next to the sky. I wonder where these paths disappear. As I stand here waiting for you. The fragrant breeze reminds me of you. Stars meet the sky as your heart meets mine. The world has never heard a tale such as ours. Can someone show us some mercy and kindness?

The wish was that the world should see. That there are no two such crazy lovers as you and me. We were hiding in the dark night, We were trying to find a lost dawn, It was as if we had been sleepless since centuries. We were concealing our love for each other

Aku Merindukanmu.

Mungkin post kali ini bakalan jadi postingan pertama yang dimana saya – sebagai penulis akan menuangkannya dalam bahasa indonesia. Sesekali mungkin boleh sedikit melupakan dunia internasional (hehe). Sebenernya sih punya hidden agenda – biar yang baca mau ngontak dan cari topik (eh salah – kan udah putus haha). Tapi, ya sudahlah, biarkan sang pujangga sejenak meluapkan rasa rindunya pada seseorang.

Kalau saya tanya pada audiens yang membaca tulisan saya ini, kira-kira apa yang akan kalian jawab saat saya bertanya, “Apasih rasanya merindukan seseorang yang kalian sendiri – belum pernah saling bertemu?”

Mungkin bingung ya, menjawabnya. Nah, itu pula yang terjadi dengan saya.

Antara malu nggak malu, sih mengakui bahwa saya sendiri terjebak dalam cinta dan hubungan yang bisa dibilang tidak lumrah, tapi, he is one of the best person I know – dan saya juga tidak mampu untuk menolak atau melewatkannya. Saya rasa terkadang memang cinta itu di luar logika.

Bagiku, merindukan dia itu seperti…

Menunggu hangatnya matahari di kala musim dingin yang tak berujung. 

Ku merasa dingin, merasa lemah tanpanya, dan hanya disaat ia ada aku mampu lagi untuk melanjutkan hariku.

Di sisi lain aku merasa tidak enak juga jika dia harus membagi waktunya antara aktivitas nya yang amat sangat padat dan diriku. Aku sangat berharap bisa berperan seakan-akan aku tidak apa-apa jika ia tiada di sisiku. Tapi, aku tidak bisa menyembunyikan perasaanku betapa aku sangat mencintainya – betapa aku membutuhkannya dan selalu menginginkan dirinya ada untukku – bersama ku.

Di setiap doa aku, aku berhadap pada Tuhan bahwa aku punya kesempatan dengannya, bahwa suatu hari aku ditakdirkan untuk dapat bertemu dengannya. Melihat wajahnya, menyentuh jemarinya, mendengar setiap detak jantungnya. Aku sangat menyukai matanya. Aku sangat bisa membayangkan bagaimana matanya berbinar saat ia bercerita mengenai ruang angkasa ataupun politik yang memiliki hubungan dengan berbagai partai komunis dan bagaimana komunisme serta aiteisme membentuk pribadinya sekarang. Aku senang sekali saat ia mulai bercerita mengenai kota tempat tinggalnya yang merupakan saksi bisu sejarah dari kerajaan-kerajaan Tamil yang megah dan berjaya pada eranya.

Bagiku, ia sangat berbeda dari lelaki yang pernah aku kenal sebelumnya. Semuanya memang selalu berbeda dengannya. I feel different. It’s always different with you and I like it that way.

Baru saja aku mendapatkan telpon darinya. Walau kami hanya berbicara selama 20 menit karena rupanya ia ada kelas yang harus dihadiri. Ku merasa sangat senang mendengar suaranya. Perasaan bahagia yang aku tidak pernah bisa deskripsikan. Pada  saat yang sama hal ini selalu membuatku bertanya lagi dan merasa malu pada diriku sendiri. Bagaimana bisa aku menyakitinya? Bagaimana bisa ia masih mencoba untuk menerima dan memaafkanku setelah tragedi itu? tidak sekalipun ia mencari-cari celah kecil untuk menyindirku atas hal tersebut. Apakah benar ia juga sangat mencintaiku? Diriku yang tidak ada apa-apanya ini?

Aku sangat berharap aku bisa lambat laun merubah perilaku tersebut dan menjadi pribadi yang jauh lebih baik. Pribadi yang tidak lagi hancur dan selalu bermasalah dengan keadaan serta masa lalunya. Pribadi yang sadar bahwa I am okay. I’m okay and I am unique in my own way. Sehingga, aku tidak perlu deklarasi dari orang lain yang selalu membuatku feel better.

Sampai sekarang aku masih cinta. Ku masih menginginkan dirinya. Aku masih ingin memperjuangkan yang kita punya. Aku tidak bisa jauh dan aku tidak siap untuk meninggalkan dirinya.

Sayang, aku merindukanmu setiap detik dalam hidupku.

Pegang tangaku, bersama jatuh cinta. Kali kedua pada yang sama. Sama Indahnya.

“When things are less chaotic, we will find ourselves in love again”

No matter how much you love each other, when things are just too much to handle, you reached your breaking points and separation is the only choice you have – the pain is just too much, and you know you can’t handle it.

In the other side of the story this separation was caused by me. I triggered this, and no matter how much I beg for him to come back, it doesn’t work that way.

Love only is not enough to make a long term relationship work out. Now that his trust is broken I have to learn living without him. I never thought this will ever happen to both of us.

I know I messed up. At the same time I still hope that he want to forgive me. He is the only one I love. It will be very hard to move on and start again. I have found my person and I only want him. I just don’t understand myself how can I do this to the person that I really love.

how come this insanity happened.

I cannot stop blaming myself for what happened. Hurting the person I love the most in the whole world is the last thing that I would’ve done. I was completely out of my mind. I’m sorry.

sadly this time, no matter how marry sorry I asked, it won’t work – or bring back the trust that has been broken. I hurt him. I lose him. I broke the one of the crucial thing he guards so much.

People do make mistakes.

Is this one of the mistakes that could be forgiven?  We never know.

Another thing that I could not understand is that, how come he loves me this much. Even after we broke up we still talk like how we used to. Just I guess right now we have to understand that barrier between us and there are important things that needs to be solved.

I never knew that among 1 billion people in this world, there’s this one lovable man, somewhere miles away, could love me with all my flaws and shortcomings. I always told him that he deserve a better person than me. Still I find him choosing to stay with me, be with me day and night and worry about me when I’m sick.

I don’t want to lose him ever.

Since this issue emerged, I decided to seek help from a professional. This issue made me realize that there is something wrong inside me, some kind of damage and past trauma that’s never been solved – accumulated and resulted in an unpleasant behavior. I always thought I could sort this out ever since I studied psychology – but what I did was I tried to erase it and never really make peace with my own self.

By the time of the first session of counselling – I thought it will be just a simple counselling session that might end in 4 or 5 sessions. My psychologist told me that I have to undergo psychotherapy treatment to “heal” myself.  The irony here is that – I was studying about all this things for 4 years and turns out the client is me – myself.

I really hope the psychotherapy could really help me to heal, move on and eventually to accept myself as a whole. He told me he could wait until the sessions are done. Knowing this I really, really feel bad and disgusted for myself.

I cannot believe I did this to him.

At the same time I also told him that I understand no one could wait forever. So, even if someday he realizes that he might love someone else, and that he choose to end this once and for all, at least, I hope,  I could grow and improve more as a person and someday could establish better interpersonal relationships.

No matter how he compares himself to one of my previous relationships, I never love anyone the way I love him. He really – really mean so much to me. Even if the story ends without us in the end. I know I will never forget you and I guess I will love him for a long time.

I’m gonna miss the sound of his sleep, his snore, his laugh. The way he say my name and my middle name. All those tamil lessons that I know I messed up. He is sweet in his own way. If I could do it over, if I could rewind and turn back the time, I’ll do it all over again. I will use the time I have to make us fall in love again.

We both know our own limitations, that’s why we’re strong – now that we, spent sometime apart, leading each other out of the dark, ’cause we both know.

We Both Know – Colbie Caillat.

Acceptance or giving up.

As long as I live, I tried to accept everything that happens to me. Whether it is bad things or good things. For so many years I’ve been living with this disability, disorder, rare condition – you name it, I tried to be okay with this situation that has happened to me. I don’t know if this is self acceptance or giving up, eventually I adjust to this abnormal life. The struggle is hard, yet I manage to do one two things by myself.

I thought I have moved on, but then that one moment in time where it seems that hope is there, dissonance and confusion happens. I’m afraid to hope, I’m afraid to be optimist or positive – even being happy. Because I know it’s temporary and tomorrow everything is gone. I don’t know how to save myself from this pathological self. I’ve drowned in my thoughts and overthinking. My mind filled with so many things, yet my heart is empty. At this rate I’m afraid I cannot save myself.

Ever since my doctor told me about those surgery procedures, “illizarov limb lengthening” and the name of my disorder “congenital pseudoarthrosis of the Tibia (CPT)” I’ve been searching for facts and research regarding these things, the results are vary and there is no definite outcome. One thing that struck me the most is that, most of the research journals stated that they’ve been treating the patients from early ages – childhood. In every abstract of every research journals also mentioned that “CPT remain as the most challenging pediatric orthopedic case (Paley, 2012)”.

Now here I am, at the age of 23 I just came to know about my disorder name after living for 17++ years of disability. I cannot find any answer to my questions. I don’t even remember when I was little do I have those symptoms like what’s stated on that research papers. The symptoms are kind of similar, but I cannot trace down my own medical record and it’s frustrating and stressful.

I want to get better, for the love of God more than anyone else I want to be normal. Feel normal, walk normally, for freaking once in my life I want to be okay. I just don’t know what to do now. I’m so thankful that for once my mother has shown positive attitude for this opening up to doctors and finding second opinions. Yet I also understand the possibility that someday she could withdraw again because of this financial problems and everything. I understand that she experienced the same trauma as me. I understand it is hard for her, for my father and my sister.

At the same time I need honesty, so that I can decide, whether to accept this situation that I have to be okay with this condition or I can be optimistic about it. I realize the gap that happens to me right now. I should have treated long back. But who would even thought I had this disorder. I’m afraid everything is late now and I left with no chance of getting better.

So many decisions I have to decide. Time cannot wait, life keeps on going day by day and I’m left behind. I want to pursue higher studies, I want to do this procedure, I want to have  a stable job – maybe build a family?

I don’t know which should come first.

I don’t know if this procedure could be successful in my case. I really wish I could have the chance to go abroad and understand the prognosis and prevalence of this disease.

is this self acceptance?

or did I just giving up to the situation?

For My Dearest Brother.

To my beloved Abang (read: Brother, indonesian),

I’ve spent almost half of my life with you. 18 years together and there is not one day that I didn’t miss you. I still remember how you let me win in any FIFA play station games. I still remember very clearly that you told me Liverpool is the best team in England. Those memories I will forever cherish.

We didn’t come from the same mom and dad. We met at school, first grade. He was such a shy person. He didn’t talk much. Then I came to know that he is not comfortable to be around girls. He kinda hates it. His mom and his dad always lights up when they told about this nostalgic  memory. They always told me that they won’t ever forget me and take us as a family. That’s how our family become very close.

We share so many things growing up. I’ve spent most of my childhood and teenage days with you. As a best friend and sister, I feel happy and blessed to have a family filled with boys that loved me so much. How papa used to asked you to buy my favorite food when I come to visit with my little sister and family.

I still remember how I get jealous every time a woman approached you or when you’re close to someone else. But these feelings are normal – I suppose, It’s not a romantic feeling, it’s more like a sisterly love and caring because you mean so much to me as a person. A man who knows me really well, take good care of me and show me love when needed.

No matter now far apart we are, you mean so much to me. Every time I see you back at home or somewhere else, it seems I’m back to that moment in time where we’re kids. It seems that I am where I supposed to be, I’m in my comfort zone. You’re my rock, the beloved son of mama and daddy. That will never change even though right now, at the moment it seems things are different.

I’m happy seeing you happy. I am so much happy for you now that it seems you found someone you love. A woman that could love you wholeheartedly and A woman that is loved by mama and papa. I understand that we cannot be like how we used to be. I don’t wanna ruin everything between both of you too. I understand that she might get confused with me, because we’re too close and no one believes that we are not in that romantic side. Also, I learned this from your past failures with those girls. They get jealous of me, it seems. I hope not, though.

Your happiness is what matters the most. Even if it doesn’t include me, I’ll be fine eventually. I really hope we could still become a family. I would do anything for your happiness and better future, even if I have to stay away from you.

Abang, you will always be in my heart. I thank Allah that in some part of my life, you were there with me and that will stay forever.

I wish you all the best in your future. Especially your career and matrimony. You are made for greatness and I believe you are able to achieve anything you want in your life.

No matter what we will become in the future, I will always love you, as a sister and as your best friend.

No matter how things has changed, the fact that we are always connected, somehow, will always remain the same.

I haven’t seen you in ages, sometimes I find myself wondering where you are. For me you’ll always be eighteen. and beautiful, and dancing away with my heart.

Love and Band-Aids : Congenital Tibial Pseudoarthrosis.

Previously, in my article which I wrote about my disability, I mentioned that I’m afraid I will stay like this forever. I explained long and short about my fears and concerns. Also, in the article after that I told about me getting a small accident – I fell down.

Guess what?

I still cannot believe the reality that the actual accident, is a turning point of everything I never thought of before.

Finally I fight all those mental blocks – the fear of seeing a doctor. Because at that time what I can feel is that, there’s so much pain and I cannot handle it anymore. I remember saying “I just hope this won’t end in an ugly surgery”. The moment doctor declare I have to undergo those shitty procedures, my parents might disown me.

In that very moment – that dark thought came inside my mind, that maybe it’s better if I died in my previous surgeries. So that my parents doesn’t have to worry about me anymore. I understand I’ve always been a burden for them. I know the cost they have to pay just for me. Sadly, I was never getting better.

Never.

So many times I accused my parents for not fighting for me. That it is their fault to never take this disability seriously. As time goes by, I’ve given up on this too. I know they’re struggling with life as well. So I choose to stop talking about this or nagging about this disease.

for 17 years I never knew what was the name of the disease I’m suffering.

Until this day happens,

Everything changes.

I still remember that day. I was so reluctant of going to hospital. But this person, I don’t know what to call him (HAHA). Special close friend – I guess he can live with this – at least for now. Tried to convince me over and over how worried he was and it was okay just to check – at least to give some sort of reassurance.

I went to the general practitioner. Get examined, x-rays and all those data collecting thingy in medical terms. Waited for hours and then finally results came. I still remember what she told me

“I do believe there is nothing wrong with your knee, it’s just wounds and bruises and I will give some medications to this, some pain killers. But, in the other hand, the radiology doctor wrote there’s a suspect fracture in the soft tissue and I don’t know what that is. So I would advise you to see an orthopedic surgeon to know if this is serious or not, what do you think? We have some good experienced doctors here”

I was silent.

See this is why I have so much fear inside me. Because I know if I have to consult with that orthopedic surgeon, the story will not be the same.  He will ask about my medical history and it will be a long ass day and I know I will forced to think and say about something that I have buried inside me for a long time. That certain topic that I have hardly tried to repress.

then she goes again,

“just for a second opinion. I know you really want to do it. It can’t be true that you want to stay like this forever right? you do want to know what can be done for you at least to make you function better physically”

I nod my head.

Then she play it safe, “okay I will just make an appointment with Doctor Iman for tomorrow, okay. If you think you don’t want it and it’s not necessary, you can just cancel it. Is this good enough for you?”

with a low voice I said yes.

Then on the way home I called my mom and tell everything that has happened. I still remember how furious she was. and actually she disagree with consulting to this new doctor. She didn’t even told my father. That was painful. But then my cousin and my auntie reassures me. and I called him too. He said it’s the perfect time to think about this all over again – and to have that second opinion.

I cannot sleep that night. Thinking of everything that has happened. All of that over those overthinking moment brought me back to the flashbacks of the past. I remember when I was sedated before the procedure – all of those horrifying moments.

That morning I make myself ready for everything. Sat down nicely in the waiting room and the nurse called me to check my blood pressure and temperature.

“90/60” she said. “you always have this low pressure?” I simply nod my head, and then she goes on again. “36 degrees, still normal. Doctor Iman will call you soon”

I was nervous.

with my wheelchair I came inside his practice room. He was smiling from eye to eye. He said “hello” with a very warm tone. He’s very good looking, groomed well – I suppose. Then he opened my x ray file. I jumped to the topic that I only wanna know about my knee. and he replied, “yes, everything is fine. no fracture, only bruise. nothing to worry about that. But there’s more to this, right? your x ray tells so many untold stories.”

See, I was right. Every damn doctor usually fascinated seeing my case. My cousin do all the story telling thing as if she knows everything – well she almost got everything covered. I can see how interested he was in listening to her. Until the moment he opened his mouth, “If that’s the case, I would suggest we take another xray. full xray from thigh to toes. and then when I got the file from radiology we will discuss more about this.”

I don’t have my say. Came down nicely, trying to hide my fear and anxiety. Sitting in my wheelchair with empty eyes. My body is here, I don’t know where my mind is. My cousin and auntie keeps on saying and asking about how I feel and how generous, super nice and kind that doctor was. The radiologist called me and asked me to lay down for examination.

I always have a thing for xrays. I mean I don’t like it. Makes me feel helpless. Everyday I swear to myself that one day I don’t have to do this anymore.

In some minutes I am back at Doctor Iman’s  practice room again. He’s commenting about my plate on my thigh. “good, very nice” he said. And he zoomed in the tibia part.  “So this is where the problem lies?” and I said yes. I told him, “yeah, previous doctors has tried to open up and close – doing surgeries on that part. because there’s no bone. bone graph was done but still nothing. that’s why I couldn’t walk . all my life using my gips and band aids. and the leg is also underdeveloped.”

and he continues, “see, here. this is a growing bone here. this shading near your tibia. I guess after all this years, they’re trying to connect to one another. it’s not that bad at all – at least not as bad as what you’ve told me.”

I startled. How could this happen?

I never knew this day would come. That actually a doctor said I have hope. and doctor iman said, “we can do physiotherapy for a year and see how it goes. just move your leg that’s fine. now just open that band aids and feel both legs. move it. try to give some power there. and if we are talking discussions now, there are two options. you can do surgery, to have same leg length, or we can do traditional way, that’s okay – I don’t have to put you under that procedure.”

That was a wow moment for me – I couldn’t speak. I cried so much. Afterall these years, finally I have hope. it’s not as bad as I think. I mean something actually worked out.

Ya Allah I am very grateful.

but still I guess I don’t have support from my family. I mean my parents. My Father was less concerned. said nothing or asked about it – finally I told him that I fell and he’s furious. I know he is. I tried to reach out to my mom. at least there’s some positive reaction from her. she said let’s see if we have the money for this. I guess that’s good enough for me. I can’t be selfish about this – I know. there are other things that needs to be paid. Afterall we’re not a rich family.

With a little bit of tears, courage and willingness, 

YAY! I take off that band aids. I wear both shoes on both legs. I was self conscious, still. but I’m happy now. Altho I still cover all my surgery scars in stockings, but at least I progress. I want to change now.

If it’s not because of him, maybe I won’t have the courage to do this.

Thank you baby for always believing me and put up with my daily craziness and exaggeration. I do believe you’re sent by Allah for me – maybe, who knows. As you said it’s a prophecy for agastya to find her (his) roots, back to the land of Tamils. Thankyou for restoring my self confidence and self esteem. Most importantly, always present in times of need. I am so grateful for you.

Thank you to my cousin and auntie for giving me the chance, I cannot thankyou enough. And last but not least, tante sinta and tante lilly who tried to help me in their power.

someone very special to the heart told me that, “I always believe that you could walk someday“. well, “walking” is a big word. Never in my entire life I imagine to use both legs and able to walk like normal people.

“don’t use the band aids anymore – all of those covering things. It doesn’t protect anything. but I know it protects your heart and your mind. I understand it’s your last self-defense of being insecure. From now on, just be confident.”

– dr. Iman Aminata. 

“More than any challenges that will come and break us”

I do believe that we can love someone and be committed to that certain person without ‘the relationship’ itself. That’s where I am now, and it’s enough – at least for the time being. It has been a roller coaster ride with him, the climb is difficult but still I choose him over and over – along with the pleasure and the pain.

there’s this quote, I found on pinterest – or we heart it. it says,

“You can’t love someone when it’s convenient” 

I think this is true. Loving someone doesn’t mean that you only be with them on their highest. Loving someone doesn’t mean that you only want the good things happen with them. Loving someone means to be with them in times of hardships and ease.

This is the situation that I have to face right now.

It seems to me now that both of us are struggling with each other’s past and unfinished business. I’m trying to be unbiased with that issue that I don’t wanna involve too much with the problem that we have now. I just can’t help it. I let my feelings controlled me and now I really feel bad for what I’ve said to him.

Maybe I was jealous – of many things. Over the years I understand this is one of my weaknesses when it comes to interpersonal relationships. This also related to my self esteem issues. I do believe I have grown so much as a person and now I could handle this better. I just don’t understand why I lose control and let my feelings took over me.

In any forms of relationship, commitment and trust are essential. I used to have trust issues. At times I feel ridiculous that even though I was close to a guy, still I don’t open up much. I put all this persona, I’m afraid that if I put down my walls, I will be very vulnerable and it’ll break me and hurt me.

Maybe it is true when people say it’s easier to get naked than showing your true self to someone. The moment you got exposed – personality wise, there’s no more hiding. You cannot do justice over anything. It’s scary.

But this time, everything felt very different.

It’s so easy with him. So easy to love him, to open up with him, to be honest about what I’m feeling, even though that requires tears and crying eyes. He effortlessly opened the doors of my heart, that I don’t know when I gave him the key to do that.

I don’t wanna love him because it’s convenient. 

I want to love him because I know I can face the challenges together with him by my side. I want to be with him because I know hard it is to build such relationship, and if it is not him, I don’t know if I could ever feel this way anymore.

 I want to be his strength. His reason to keep on going. His reason to face his fears and traumas. 

If loving someone doesn’t make you sacrifice, I guess that is not love at all. In my previous relationship, my ex told me that he can’t invest on me and the relationship, without even telling me he withdraws and let everything falls apart. That really gave me a hard time to trust someone again. I was sure I won’t fall anymore.

Right now I have someone that tries to give effort on me and what we have. I guess that’s enough. Maybe I can say we love each other more than the differences we have. I love him more than any challenges that will come in the near future. We both understand that the odds are highly against us. We both understand it’s not gonna be easy.

At the end of the day, it’s all about that one person that matters to you the most. That you will go miles and miles just to see his face, his smile, his laugh – just enjoying his very existence , is a privilege for me.

I just can’t stop loving you 

Self Reflection.

Obviously nothing is gonna get easier day by day, right? I guess everyone could finally agree with me in this matter. Life doesn’t let you quit on anything. It doesn’t give you any chance to give up. Life will never wait for you no matter how much you beg time to stop running. It doesn’t let you breathe even for a second.

life

could be

suffocating.

When you were 17, people asked you which major you choose for your university, as well as, which university you wanna enroll. They gave you thousands of advice – as well as implicit criticisms. 4 years later, you graduated and obtained your degree. Another million dollar questions came.

I guess we’re all very familiar with:

“what plans after graduation?”

“where you wanna work”

“what career you want to do?”

“maybe…. continue to higher studies?”

“marriage?”

And suddenly, your mind and behavior are driven to fulfill all of this expectations from society. Everyday in your life you do things to please others. Then when it comes to the moment where you regret things. You start blaming yourself and others.

Let us all take a moment here and pretend to pause our life.

just pause anything what you’re doing now.

Reflect everything .

is this what you want? what’s your dream? how do you see yourself in 5 years. is this the career you wanna do for the rest of your life?

take your time

slowly

and decide.

This is your life. never let anyone dictate you what to do next. Take a grip of your life and start to control it by yourself.

secondly, don’t ever compare yourself with others. Go on your own pace. I guess life is not a racing competition. It’s all about you and what makes you happy.

So, do it. Decide

is this the life you want to live, is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate?

Decide

Breathe in

Breathe out

and Decide.

-Grey’s Anatomy

Naan unnai Kadhalikkiren

… and in that final night where she had to let him go, she said, “Stay with me, baby.” He’s breathing heavily. He exhales. Her eyes were full of tears. It seems to her, she cannot say anything more because, her lips are shivering. Not because of the cold. Because she don’t wanna let go of the person she really loves. The person that makes her life meaningful. He is a man who accepted her no matter how damaged she was, and he sees the beauty in her flaws. Slowly, with a very calm and steady voice tone, He said, “Baby, I want us to last forever.”

I bet you understand how hard it is to let go of the best days you’ve had with the person that you really love. You wish nights were longer. You wish a day would last for 120 hours. It feels like you will do anything just to have the world for you and him.

We were having our best week in our lives since we have this whatever relationship happens between us. We discussed each and every little details about us. I guess this is a very good step required for this ‘relationship’.

I cried so much for some days, every time he called me – late night phone calls. we talked about anything, everything. He means so much to me. That moment when he said that his family wanted him to meet a girl of their choice, hoping that they could commit and marry, my heart breaks. but at the same time I understand that I cannot make him wait for me forever. I just love him too much, I cannot let him go. He is very open minded – in that teary and emotional discussion, we could find a pragmatic solution. I’m not ready – and I will never be ready to let him go.

Then, I got a small accident that night at home. I felt really bad that I make him worry about me when he is going out having fun with his friends. He didn’t leave me even for a second. He stayed with me, keeps on checking on me. I never knew I could mean this much for someone.

After my last break up, I still remember how I keeps on telling myself that I will never fall in love with anyone. How I wanna take sometime alone for myself. Then someone came, with his honest self, genuine emotions, he redecorated my walls, with flowers and colors, then he started to build the bridges around it.

He is my best friend, my partner, my opposition party. At the same time is a man who never ceases to amaze me. He brought back my self confidence, my self esteem that was long lost from me. He opened my mind and perspective that although with my disability, he never seen me less than any normal person – so then he wants me to start seeing myself just like any other women.

He is just so comforting. He is so different from the guys I knew in my life. I don’t know how I could be open about myself so easily with him. His very existence is a blessing for my life. I never knew love could bring so much happiness. I’ve been waiting for him my entire life.

He didn’t saved me .

He taught me how to save myself and reassured me that he will never leave my side. I don’t know why he choose me. I don’t know if I can make him happy or that I am enough for him. But since he send me that mail last night when he was listening to the sound of my sleep, I know that starting from tomorrow,  I better stop asking about this things and just start to love him in any way I can.

To my dearest kanmani,

I know it won’t be easy an easy future for us. but I’d rather do it the hard way with you. Whatever happens I want to fight for you till I can’t fight no more. I want to love you till my body gets weak.

Since the day I know you, my life has changed constantly. who even thought that now I can talk to both of my parents about what I wanna do with my disability?  Never thought of this in a million years. Although it’s hard to change my introverted self, still I could try to be open about some important things that needs their approval.

I’m gonna miss you, baby.

I’m going to miss that morning calls, night calls, drunk calls and texts. Your snoring and when you sleeps on me while talking on the phone.

I hope we can meet soon,

I promise we will see the possibilities.

Achieve what you want to achieve in life, regret nothing because you’re so capable of doing anything you want.

“Don’t degrade yourself anytime, you’re in this whatever relationship we have, we both are always equal or you’re much better than me. I think you that way only”